Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 3:21 PM
Well, only one more day until the adotion selection committee meets. I am so nervous.
I told you I met with LO's biological grandmother(BG), right? Saturday LO had a visit with her and I was there for it - almost three hours. I felt good about it afterward and apparently BG did too. Here is a copy of the e-mail she sent to DCS the next day (edited for annonymity, of course):
Dear (DCS REP),
I wanted to send you a follow up to my meeting with the "team" and my visitation with (LO).
First, I can never say thank you enough for your facilitation of this meeting. I told (N) (your supervisor) that you are a wonderful, caring, compassionate man and the first person associated with DCS who has treated me like a human being. I have been dealing with case managers from DCS for a year now and no one has ever treated me with respect or acknowledged the trauma that I have experienced from being separated from my granddaughter. You have been a godsend to me. Please accept my gratitude and always know that there is one person in this world that will be forever grateful to you.
Second, the meeting was wonderful. (K), the Andersons and (N) (I can't remember her last name!!) were eager to hear about (LO) and her mother. People actually sat and listened to me. Unbelievable!!! I am the best available source of information about (LO) and her mother. I was glad to be able to share information that may be helpful for (LO). I think I successfully "shed some light" on some of (LO)'s issues. Everyone was warm, caring, and succinct in their delivery of information to me (N) was very straightforward and gentle as she corrected some erroneous information I had been given regarding the decision-making process that is used in determining the placement of these children. I appreciate and can accept straightforward communication. Please thank her again for me.
Now for the visit........the "(nickname for LO)" as I often called her is delightful!! Erica is a phenomenal woman and mother!! She had prepared (LO) for our visit by showing and discussing pictures I had given to her during our meeting on Friday. (LO) remembered me and was ready for our meeting. She turned, saw me and I finally heard the words, "NaNa" coming from her as she came toward me. I have wondered during this past year if I would ever hear those words again. She came straight to me, I picked her up and we stared into each other's eyes. She remembered me, (DCS REP), and she still loves me as her NaNa. As we walked toward the carrousel, she took my hand and told her Mommie, "I'll hold NaNa's hand because she's.......OLD!!!!!!!!!" Oh my gosh!! Out of the mouths of babes! This child knows that I should not be her mother! I am her NaNa. But, just between us, she is the ONLY one could get away with calling me old!!
Emotionally, this was an uplifting, joyful, pleasant visit. I left without tears or remorse. I left happy and secure in my knowledge that (LO) is safe and happy.
Clinically, here is my opinion and I am qualified to express a professional, clinical opinion. I make placement decisions on the other end of the life journey. I often have to assist in making these decisions for the elderly who need safety, protection and medical care.I assist in making the decisions for people who have returned to their child-like state.
Clinically, I observed a child who is in the process of becoming secure in her environment. She loves Erica and Joe. She trusts Erica and Joe. Trust is one of the main elements in this particular case. She trusts me because she remembers me as a safe person, but she still wanted her "Mommie" in sight. She said to me on one occassion, "Let's go tell my Mommie." This was meaningful to me because she knows that her "real Mom" is my daughter. It's like she wanted me to know that Erica is her Mommie.
I observed a child who is becoming secure with her parents. When she hurt her finger, she came straight to her Mommie for comfort. She did not come to NaNa as she always did in the past. She went straight to Erica. Erica comforted her, distracted her and made her laugh and then promised a bandaid, at (LO)'s request, when "we get HOME."
(LO) knows where her home is. She showed me pictures in her scrapbook that she and Erica are making together. There will be pictures of "my new house". There were pictures of her birthday party, halloween, Christmas. She was so proud of this scrapbook. You could tell it represented normalcy, safety, security to her.
Erica is prepared for any situation with LO. She is alert to subtle changes in LO's behavior or attention span. She carries "alternative entertainment" toys, puzzles, etc. with her in her purse. She effectively distracts (LO) before an escallation of inappropriate behavior occurs. Erica is totally "tuned in" with (LO)'s needs. And, we all know that (LO) definitely has special needs.
I was impressed with Erica's care of (LO). It is evident that she loves this child and is fully invested in her care. She is absolutely determined that (LO) will have a safe, happy, normal childhood. (LO) is involved in soccer, girl scouts and dance. LO demonstrated several of her dance ":moves" to me and you can tell she is very proud of going to dance class. This is building her self esteem!
As I am writing this, I am sitting here looking into the face of my grandchild. Erica and (LO) prepared a picture of (LO) for me with the inscription of "To Nana, From (LO)." This child's face is happy, calm, serene. Yes, I know this was probably just a "fraction" of time but it is still there for that moment. She finally has a happy home, loving parents, normal "preppy" activites. Her eyes are clear and direct and her happiness and calmness shine through them straight into my heart.
If, in fact, our joint mission is to provide what is in "the best interest of the child", how can we possibly even be discussing the possibility of moving her? I fear that to move this child again would completely destroy her. She is attached. She is safe. She is secure. She has finally found a home that she is not going to be taken from or sent away from if she acts out. Her behavior is becoming more controlled. These wonderful parents are teaching her how to control her behavior. They are teaching her that she must accept the responsibility of her actions. They love her. They exercise patience beyond what most of us can give. How can we ignore the work of these parents and how can we expect (LO) to have to start all over again??
I know the team meets Wednesday to make this decision. I know there is another child involved. I am (LO)'s grandmother and because of that I have more insight into this child than anyone else in the mix. I can tell you that (LO) is more settled and happier than I have ever seen her. For the first time, she did not cry when I left her. She was absolutely content to stay with Erica, HER Mommie.
As her grandmother, and having an active petition for adoption, I will say that if custody is granted to the Andersons, I will support that decision unequivocably. They have also agreed to "adopt" this NaNa and I can remain a part of (LO)'s life.
If (LO) is going to be moved anywhere else, I will fight to the fullest extent of the law to have her with me even if that requires a Supreme Court decision related to grandparent's rights. Tennessee needs to change their laws regarding that issue anyway. Why not start with me? I will fight with every ounce of strength and every resource I have. And you need to know that in my professional life I am highly respected and my opinion does matter....I AM E.F. Hutton. People do listen.
Seriously, I agree to keeping (LO) where she is because she is safe and happy and loved and it is apparent that she is attached. If she is going to be moved again to strangers, she can come to me before any more damage is done to her. I am not a stranger and I am more than able to care for her and love her.
It is my clinical, and emotional opinion that (LO) should remain where she is. I think she is still too emotionally fragile to withstand another move. Please, do not allow "Policy" to come before the welfare of this child. Both children are in secure homes and loved by their parents. Who are we to disrupt their lives because of policy? At this point, I think it is much more essential for LO to know that she has "real" parents and a "real" home than for her to be introduced to a baby who happens to have the same biological mother. If knowing her sibling is the goal, they could be introduced at a time when (LO) is more stable.
Look at the highlighted words in this letter. Aren't they the goal for our children?
SAFETY
SECURITY
LOVE
HOME
HAPPINESS
SELF-ESTEEM
Gee!! Maybe Maslow did know what he was talking about!!
Could you please pass this email on to (N) and apologize to her for me for my not paying attention and writing down her last name. (Truthfully, the ADD really might be hereditary!!)
This is my vote for the meeting on Wednesday. I certainly hope that everyone present will seriously consider the effect a move to a new home could have on (LO). Let's please don't lose this child. Too many people have worked too hard to save her since she has come into (H) County DCS. You all have my deepest gratitude and respect.
Thank you,
BG
Isn't that something! I cried when I read it! It took me two days to be able to compose myself enough to respond to it. Oh, I hope DCS takes this into consideration.
