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Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 9:53 AM

I know I haven’t been around. This respiratory crud is back again. I think I am averaging a cold a month now. Talk about some crap!

Anyway, today is the day that LO’s social worker is telling her that her mother’s rights have been terminated and she will never see her again. We don’t really know how she is going to react. It has made me nervous all weekend. I think she knows something is up, too. She hasn’t slept a full night in 3-4 days. She gets up several times a night and I hear her in there, whispering to herself when she is in bed.

Her behavior has been really hard to deal with these last few days and even weeks. She screamed at Joe in the grocery store on Saturday that she was going to kill him. She’s kicked and screamed, thrown things and overturned furniture, bitten and scratched and punched in fits that we can do little to predict or stop and that have lasted anywhere between 30 minutes and 5 hours. On one hand you are furious with her because you can see in her face that she knows what she’s doing, she’s completely aware that she is making you crazy and that is exactly what she’s wants. She’s pushing your buttons. Then, on the other hand you remember that these are classic symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), a conditioned response that develops in almost all foster children because they are moved around so much. They know that they have had to leave every home they have ever known so they push away just when they start to feel close, trying to judge what it will take for you to make the call that sends them to their next home. The problem is that the more you tolerate the behavior, the further they push, always looking for that breaking point, trying not to love you back, trying to keep from being hurt again. I have to believe that somewhere there is a light at the end of the RAD tunnel. That somewhere it is she who will reach her breaking point and she will know that I love her unconditionally and will never willingly let her leave our home. For all intents and purposes, this little girl is my little girl. I love her as if I carried and gave birth to her myself. I have to make her know that.


Here’s some catching up I need to do:

Friday Five:

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?

Last summer. I was in a car accident that required a month of physical therapy.

2. ...went to the dentist?

I am so bad about this. It has been about a year. Even though I have the greatest dentist (he gives me xanax to take before appointments because he knows how nervous I get) I still can’t seem to get myself to make that call to schedule the next appointment.

3. ...filled your gas tank?

Just over a week ago, but my husband did it for me since then.

4. enough sleep?

Valentines weekend, when the hubby and I went away and lazed in a hotel watching movies and ordering room service. That is the life!

5. ...backed up your computer?

Ummm… I have no idea. This is something else the hubby takes care of for me. What a doll!


Unconscious Mutterings

  1. Angel:: Devil

  2. Birth:: Death

  3. Logic:: Puzzle

  4. Stars:: Sky

  5. Nursery:: Baby

  6. View:: From The Top

  7. Hart:: War

  8. Creation:: Desctruction

  9. End:: Beginning

  10. Fortune:: Fame


Yeah, so I’m squelching the Simpson’s Trivia thing. Maybe I will devote a page to it, but having a question on every entry just isn’t feasible when all my stuff is at the office and I often want to post from home.



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